Closet Cleaned Out

I did it!! I cleaned out my closet. There are two trash bags worth of clothes for our garage sale and two bins worth of "for keeps."

I was a little overwhelmed once I started. I tried on so many shirts, shorts and pants that I wanted to be sick. The process was disheartening, to say the least.

I had to remind myself of why I was cleaning out my closet: to focus on change. I did not clean out my closet to punish myself or prove my failure.

Today, getting dressed was not a beat down. I went into my closet, grabbed some clothes and put them on. That was it. I did not have to dig through things that did not fit . I did not start my day feeling like such a looser for having nothing to wear.

I took a couple pics. I will try to upload the one without the hangers later. I was just blown away by the number of hangers I freed up and how they barely fit back on the rack.

I feel excited to Keep Moving Forward.

Closet Full..Nothing Fits

I know I am not the only one with a closet full of clothes that don't fit. I have sizes that fit now, sizes for fat days, sizes from the last time I lost weight and sizes smaller than those that I dream of getting into.
I have decided to clean out my closet. I am going to remove everything that doesn't fit. I can't bring myself to get rid of all of it though. Most clothes will go into bins so that I don't have to buy all new things when I get on track again.
I hope looking at what really fits will help me focus on what I have to do moving forward, not on the past.
Life can feel very overwhelming, but I know I make it worse by holding on to the past and not looking forward.
One of my favorite Disney movies is Meet the Robinsons. I have watched it more times than I can count. The moral of the story is to not focus on the bad and keep moving forward. Well, it is time to walk the walk...not just talk the talk.
I am kind of scared to see how much empty space my closet will have, but I hope to be able to refill it in a positive way.
Want to see what it looks like now?

Playing Nurse

In my house, my husband is the nurse and I am the one who runs the other way when the kids get sick. If someone throws up, I am liable to throw up as well.

Yesterday my husband had Microfracture Knee Surgery. OH BOY!!! He will be home for at least 6 weeks and is in a knee brace using crutches. In other words, I am playing nurse.

I think this may be the perfect time to work on our diet. I have to find snacks that are not going to have him gaining weight. He really can't do much of anything so I think it will be really easy to just eat junk all day.

I have 6 weeks of him home...I am just really glad I like him.

Jealous...of Their Fat

I have been thinking about this post for the last couple of days. While watching the morning news programs, I saw a clip about a new, upcoming TLC show:
My Big Fat Fabulous Life

I remember watching the viral video the star of the show put out. I thought it was great of her to keep dancing...to show others that just because you don't look like you used to doesn't mean you don't love what you did before.

Then I had the feeling. I felt jealous of how she was fat. On the program I watched, they showed a clip of her program in which she was trying on swim suites...not one piece but two piece. While her stomach is big, it is smooth. That's what I am jealous of.

As I have cycled through loosing and gaining weight...and having kids...the fat on my stomach has developed right below the skin. This is very different from those people who accumulate fat below their muscle tissue. While their skin looks smooth, mine does not. My skin is lumpy, bumpy and not pretty.

When you have a significant amount of weight to loose, you also begin to think about what your body will be like after. What will my skin look like? How much of it will be hanging off my body? Will I want a tummy tuck? Can I afford a tummy tuck?

There is a part of me that wishes I was fat like other people...that my skin was smooth. Sometimes I think that if I was like that, I might not worry so much about loosing weight and focus more on being healthier.

How often have you gone back and forth between wanting to loose weight and not? I want to feel better, to have a closet full of stuff that fits (not stuff that used to fit), to not feel like I am inhabiting a strangers body.

I am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He has never said to me any of the following:
you need to loose weight
you have really gotten heavy
are you sure you want to eat that
maybe you should watch what you eat
have you thought about going on a diet
you sure aren't the person I married
you don't look good

He has never said any of the above...the abusive person is me. I have said all of the above and then some to myself. I find that my inner voice can be a real monster.

Anyone ever felt jealous of how someone else is fat?

Honesty sucks sometimes.

Wish I Could Run

Do you ever wish you could do something again that used to be easy but no longer is?

When I was in junior high I was a runner. By high school I wasn't running for school but would run for just me. As I got older I stopped running.

Sometimes I just want to run. I want to run like we did as children when we didn't get tired or notice the distance we traveled. I remember the feeling of the pavement under my shoes and the breeze in my hair drying the sweat on those hot days.

Now my weight literally weighs me down. My knees can't take the stress of running with my addition weight. I know that with time and weight loss I can run again. I can train by body to achieve what I want, but sometimes, well

I just want to run.

So over it!!

You know when you are exhausted and just feel like you lack the energy to move? I feel a bit like that about my weight right now. I had emergency hernia surgery almost 6 weeks ago. I have to wait until December 1st to be able to lift anything over a gallon of milk.

Let me just say that having that kind of a restriction and Halloween close together got the best of me. I swear in this short amount of time I have gained like 10 lbs. WHO DOES THAT??

Well, me. Too much sugar has lead to the worse sugar addiction I have ever suffered. I swear nothing sounds good to eat. It's like my brain has rewired to want only junk and I can't override it. I can cook for the family and then I don't feel hungry. In all honesty, it is the strangest thing so far. I have always enjoyed food. I have loved eating meat and veggies for dinner...well, that is out. I can cook chicken for the family and not want to take a single bite.

I know that if I can get into the gym, the workouts will trigger real hunger. The real hunger also triggers the craving for healthier foods in me.

I am so scarred of working out again though. I suffered a severe migraine almost two years ago. This migraine did not go away after a miserable day, it lingered. I spent months with a headache. The pain fluctuated from a 6 to a 9. EVERY SINGLE DAY my head hurt. Every day I had kids to take care of, a house to care for and life kept going. I visited a neurologist who gave me some meds that after about 6 additional weeks, broke the cycle. 

I can honestly say...the migraine was by push into the pit I am in now. I would try working out and suffer a relapse. I NEVER want to be in that kind of pain again. I didn't even feel like myself, it was horrible.

So what has changed? Well, I think I have just reached my limit. I think I would rather have a headache than feel like I do now. I told a friend I feel like a fat toad sitting on a lily pad.

Well toad, no more!! I know that making changes is the hardest thing ever, but it is time.