Looking Back...Are my good memories their bad?

Have you ever wondered about somebody from your past? Wondered how they are doing, if they are successful, if they are happy?

Lately I have been wondering about two people from my past. One is an "ex-boyfriends" and the other was just a really great friend I had.

The first is an "ex-boyfriend" from junior high. In high school we where still friends and even tried to date. It didn't work out but we did go to prom together. We talked some when he went away to college and then just fell out of touch.

The second is a friend I made at my first job. He was painfully shy and I wanted to be friends. We had a lot of fun together and he was always there for me when I needed.

Then I had a thought...what if my happy memories are not so good for them?

I know we all have rough spots in our lives and sometimes we don't treat others as well as we should. Top that with the immaturity of youth and I know that I hurt them. I know that hurtful things where said, that I did not treat them as cherished people should be treated.

I have realized with age the importance of friends...the importance of treating those around you with love. I am often ashamed of the way the young me treated others. I feel bad for the feelings I hurt, for not letting them know how much I valued them. In my youth I was egocentric. I believed everything revolved around me...which I know is how lots of youth feel.

I am so embarrassed by the younger me that I threw away all the journals/ diaries I had kept. I couldn't stand looking back and cringing at my immaturity.

I now have this really crazy thing about everyone being happy. I have been fortunate enough in my life to find love, have children and find a really happy life. I know I am blessed and thank God every night for the life he has given me.

In truth this is what I wish for those around me. I have these two people on my mind and hope the same for them. But I am afraid to reach out...knowing they did not come looking for me...wondering if their memories of us are all the bad and none of the good...hating the thought that it may be this way for them.

Some people may say I am being hard on myself, that we all do and say things in youth we regret. That may be true, but it does not stop me from feeling my insides twist at the thought that they could hate the girl I used to be and only remember the bad.

I wish I could go back in time to change my behavior, then I remind myself that I am who I am now because of it.

So please treat others like what they are, a gift from God...put in your path by Him...and if you are lucky enough to have them as a friends...let them know you cherish them.

Dealing with ANGER

You know when there is something you are very angry about and there is nothing you can do about it?

So my husband's work has really changed his schedule at a time in our lives when I really appreciated the one he had. He has gone from working four ten hour shifts (and being home around 6 pm) to working three twelve hour shifts. This new shift means he will probably not be home until 8 pm at the earliest.

When we first had children we talked about sports and what we would like the kids to participate in. I thought we had agreed to hold off football until the 5th grade, but our son really wants to play. We registered him for this fall and I reminded my husband that football is not an easy sport for us. My son will have practice four days a week, plus games on the weekend. My daughter already has gymnastics two times a week. I agreed to football on the condition that my husband would help in the evenings. Now how is he going to help me? This new schedule means he won't really be available. Top that off with the new "working some weekends too" and I just want to scream!!!

I am so frustrated and furious. I am having a really hard time dealing with being angry about this. I HATE that this is happening just when we are getting busy. I HATE that he had no say in it. And I HATE how it makes me feel like I have to take on the full load of our kids' activities. We have a friends in gymnastics so hypothetically I can get her help when I need it, but that thought doesn't make me less angry.

I know I won't gain anything by being angry, yet I can't stop. I am so mad I just want to cry!!!!!!

Food Sensitivity and Allergies

All my life I have been sensitive to pork. I remember eating ribs once when I was in my early teens and breaking out in hives. So I never had pork ribs again. Then I avoided pork chops and all the other pork products EXCEPT bacon and prosciutto. Then one night after having some prosciutto I thought my insides where twisting up or maybe tying up in knots. I told myself it was just a fluke. I had some bacon with breakfast and found myself really ill. Now I am officially allergic to pork. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, but it is. I miss bacon. I miss proscuitto. I took some bacon off a burger because I forgot to ask for it without...yeah, it still made me sick. I failed to realize how often I used to eat something with bacon or ham.


While my pork sensitivity was something I always had, lactose sensitivity was new to me. During my last pregnancy (some about 4 years ago) meals where a chore. LOTS of foods grossed me out or made me feel sick. Chicken was the worse. I couldn't touch it when I was cooking. Most times, if I cooked it, I couldn't eat it. I became very texture conscious. The look and feel of food would set me off. I would become nauseous.

After my son, things calmed down. They did not totally go away. Chicken still can gross me out very easily. Now that my son is 3, the lactose sensitivity I had while pregnant has come back worse than before. Just a small bite of cheese or milk will set off my digestion. Even food that have lactose that I was not aware of set me off.

I read that with lactose it is really about the degree of sensitivity. Some people can have a small amount and be fine. Other individuals can have digestive issues with as little as a teaspoon of milk. My luck and the smallest amount sets me off.


I have tried the lactose digestive assistance pills, but I still feel sick. I never realized how bad I felt most of the time. I think the lactose thing has been going on for a while but finally the symptoms got severe. Then of course I was able to tie how I felt with the pizza we ate.


I now can say I am lactose intolerant and pork sensitive.

Say what? I can't eat what? I HATE eating now. I find that I stick with things I know are safe, regardless of how good they are for me. I eat so much junk now. I look in the fridge and HATE to think of what I will eat. Dairy was a large part of my diet. It was also a large part of what I considered healthy: yogurt, organic string cheese. These where my snacks.

I find myself dreading meal time. I don't want to think about what I can't have. I don't what to have to figure out what I can have. I know that the veggies category is wide open, but for someone who has never eaten a ton of veggies, it's no real relief.

I am going to start collecting and trying more home cooking, but I miss cheese...I miss pork too.

I HATE food allergies!!!!!!

Closet Cleaned Out

I did it!! I cleaned out my closet. There are two trash bags worth of clothes for our garage sale and two bins worth of "for keeps."

I was a little overwhelmed once I started. I tried on so many shirts, shorts and pants that I wanted to be sick. The process was disheartening, to say the least.

I had to remind myself of why I was cleaning out my closet: to focus on change. I did not clean out my closet to punish myself or prove my failure.

Today, getting dressed was not a beat down. I went into my closet, grabbed some clothes and put them on. That was it. I did not have to dig through things that did not fit . I did not start my day feeling like such a looser for having nothing to wear.

I took a couple pics. I will try to upload the one without the hangers later. I was just blown away by the number of hangers I freed up and how they barely fit back on the rack.

I feel excited to Keep Moving Forward.

Closet Full..Nothing Fits

I know I am not the only one with a closet full of clothes that don't fit. I have sizes that fit now, sizes for fat days, sizes from the last time I lost weight and sizes smaller than those that I dream of getting into.
I have decided to clean out my closet. I am going to remove everything that doesn't fit. I can't bring myself to get rid of all of it though. Most clothes will go into bins so that I don't have to buy all new things when I get on track again.
I hope looking at what really fits will help me focus on what I have to do moving forward, not on the past.
Life can feel very overwhelming, but I know I make it worse by holding on to the past and not looking forward.
One of my favorite Disney movies is Meet the Robinsons. I have watched it more times than I can count. The moral of the story is to not focus on the bad and keep moving forward. Well, it is time to walk the walk...not just talk the talk.
I am kind of scared to see how much empty space my closet will have, but I hope to be able to refill it in a positive way.
Want to see what it looks like now?

Playing Nurse

In my house, my husband is the nurse and I am the one who runs the other way when the kids get sick. If someone throws up, I am liable to throw up as well.

Yesterday my husband had Microfracture Knee Surgery. OH BOY!!! He will be home for at least 6 weeks and is in a knee brace using crutches. In other words, I am playing nurse.

I think this may be the perfect time to work on our diet. I have to find snacks that are not going to have him gaining weight. He really can't do much of anything so I think it will be really easy to just eat junk all day.

I have 6 weeks of him home...I am just really glad I like him.

Jealous...of Their Fat

I have been thinking about this post for the last couple of days. While watching the morning news programs, I saw a clip about a new, upcoming TLC show:
My Big Fat Fabulous Life

I remember watching the viral video the star of the show put out. I thought it was great of her to keep dancing...to show others that just because you don't look like you used to doesn't mean you don't love what you did before.

Then I had the feeling. I felt jealous of how she was fat. On the program I watched, they showed a clip of her program in which she was trying on swim suites...not one piece but two piece. While her stomach is big, it is smooth. That's what I am jealous of.

As I have cycled through loosing and gaining weight...and having kids...the fat on my stomach has developed right below the skin. This is very different from those people who accumulate fat below their muscle tissue. While their skin looks smooth, mine does not. My skin is lumpy, bumpy and not pretty.

When you have a significant amount of weight to loose, you also begin to think about what your body will be like after. What will my skin look like? How much of it will be hanging off my body? Will I want a tummy tuck? Can I afford a tummy tuck?

There is a part of me that wishes I was fat like other people...that my skin was smooth. Sometimes I think that if I was like that, I might not worry so much about loosing weight and focus more on being healthier.

How often have you gone back and forth between wanting to loose weight and not? I want to feel better, to have a closet full of stuff that fits (not stuff that used to fit), to not feel like I am inhabiting a strangers body.

I am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He has never said to me any of the following:
you need to loose weight
you have really gotten heavy
are you sure you want to eat that
maybe you should watch what you eat
have you thought about going on a diet
you sure aren't the person I married
you don't look good

He has never said any of the above...the abusive person is me. I have said all of the above and then some to myself. I find that my inner voice can be a real monster.

Anyone ever felt jealous of how someone else is fat?

Honesty sucks sometimes.