Jealous...of Their Fat

I have been thinking about this post for the last couple of days. While watching the morning news programs, I saw a clip about a new, upcoming TLC show:
My Big Fat Fabulous Life

I remember watching the viral video the star of the show put out. I thought it was great of her to keep dancing...to show others that just because you don't look like you used to doesn't mean you don't love what you did before.

Then I had the feeling. I felt jealous of how she was fat. On the program I watched, they showed a clip of her program in which she was trying on swim suites...not one piece but two piece. While her stomach is big, it is smooth. That's what I am jealous of.

As I have cycled through loosing and gaining weight...and having kids...the fat on my stomach has developed right below the skin. This is very different from those people who accumulate fat below their muscle tissue. While their skin looks smooth, mine does not. My skin is lumpy, bumpy and not pretty.

When you have a significant amount of weight to loose, you also begin to think about what your body will be like after. What will my skin look like? How much of it will be hanging off my body? Will I want a tummy tuck? Can I afford a tummy tuck?

There is a part of me that wishes I was fat like other people...that my skin was smooth. Sometimes I think that if I was like that, I might not worry so much about loosing weight and focus more on being healthier.

How often have you gone back and forth between wanting to loose weight and not? I want to feel better, to have a closet full of stuff that fits (not stuff that used to fit), to not feel like I am inhabiting a strangers body.

I am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He has never said to me any of the following:
you need to loose weight
you have really gotten heavy
are you sure you want to eat that
maybe you should watch what you eat
have you thought about going on a diet
you sure aren't the person I married
you don't look good

He has never said any of the above...the abusive person is me. I have said all of the above and then some to myself. I find that my inner voice can be a real monster.

Anyone ever felt jealous of how someone else is fat?

Honesty sucks sometimes.